Top 10 Summer Movies Guaranteed to Bomb
By now, it’s easy to know what to expect from the summer movie season. There will be a few movies with big robots (Transformers 2, Terminator). There will be at least one superhero movie (Wolverine). At least one Judd Apatow movie (Funny People) and at least one Adam Sandler movie (Funny People, again). Then there will be another movie only produced by Apatow (Year One). Finally, there will be a critically-acclaimed Pixar movie (Up) and, yep, it’s also a Harry Potter year.
Chances are, they won’t all be good. But we’re excited about them anyway, because they deliver everything we want out of summer movies: explosions, laughs, and, well, that’s pretty much it. We’re easily satisfied.
But then there are other movies. Movies that somehow find themselves in the summer season amidst all these blockbusters that just don’t jive with the summer spirit. They’re too serious, too treacly, or too completely, horribly awful. We present to you the top ten summer movies of 2009…that we guarantee will bomb.
10. Dance Flick (May 22nd)
Dance Flick is an upcoming 2009 American parody film directed by Damien Dante Wayans, written by his uncles, the Wayans Brothers, and starring Marlon Wayans and Shawn Wayans.
The film is a spoof of popular musical and dance films that include Save the Last Dance, Hairspray, Step Up, How She Move, You Got Served, Flashdance and High School Musical. It was set for release in North America on February 6, 2009, but was moved to August 14, 2009. It is now set to be released on May 22, 2009.
Plot:
A comedy about a rich, suburban white girl named Tracy Transfat who gets into a series of misadventures when she moves to the inner-city. Street-smart Thomas (Damon Wayans Jr.) helps her along the way.[2] Also Jonathan Aguilar Perez (Jon Wayans) tries to compete in a dance contest however he was no good.
9. Away We Go (June 5th)
Away We Go is an upcoming 2009 comedy-drama film about a young couple traveling across the United States in search of the perfect place to raise their family. The film stars John Krasinski, Maya Rudolph, Allison Janney, Jeff Daniels, and Maggie Gyllenhaal. It is directed by Academy Award winning director Sam Mendes and written by the husband and wife team of Dave Eggers and Vendela Vida.
It is scheduled to be released in the United States on June 5, 2009. Previous titles were This Must Be The Place and Farlanders.
It will open the 2009 Edinburgh International Film Festival in Edinburgh, Scotland.
Plot:
A couple who is expecting their first child travel around the U.S. in order to find a perfect place to start their family. Along the way, they have misadventures and find fresh connections with an assortment of relatives and old friends who just might help them discover “home” on their own terms for the first time.
8. Final Destination: Death Trip 3D (August 28th)
Final Destination: Death Trip 3D is the upcoming fourth installment in the Final Destination supernatural thriller franchise. The film was written by Eric Bress and directed by David R. Ellis, both of whom also worked on Final Destination 2. Ellis directed cult favorites Cellular and Snakes on a Plane. The movie was shot in HD 3-D.[2] The film has opted to be pushed forward to a scheduled release on August 14, 2009 in both the U.S.A. and the UK, confirmed by IMDB, rather than its original date of August 28, 2009, and on October 1, 2009 in Australia. It is the first sequel to be distributed by Warner Bros. and is reported to have a budget of $43 million, considerably larger than its previous films because it was shot for 3-D (originally the idea for the third film in the series, but the idea was dropped then due to budgetary restrictions and concerns).
Plot:
Nick and some friends head to the racetrack for the weekend to watch a car race. , when the terrifying accident flys into the audience at 180 mph. People will splatter and be ripped apart, one girl gets her head knocked off by a flying tire, massive explosions, and eventually the entire stadium collapses onto the rest of the audience.
7. Battle for Terra (May 1st)
Battle for Terra (known as Terra before a name-change for the 2009 US release) is a 2007 computer animated science fiction film, based on the short film, about a peaceful alien planet which faces destruction from colonization by the displaced remainder of the human race.
It won the Grand Prize for Best Animated Feature at the 2008 Ottawa International Animation Festival.
Plot:
Mala (Evan Rachel Wood) is a precocious girl living on the beautiful planet Terra, a place where peace and tolerance are celebrated. Unbeknownst to Mala and her fellow Terrians, the last inhabitants of Earth have exhausted the resources of their planet and those of three others, and are now searching for a new home. This Earthforce has discovered that the use of a Terraformer will make Terra habitable for humans but poisonous for Terrians. …
6. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (July 17th)
All the Boys Love Mandy Lane Movie Poster
All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is a 2006 American horror/thriller film, although it has also been described as a slasher film. Originally finished in 2006, the film premiered at a number of film festivals throughout 2006 and 2007. Notable premieres include Toronto Film Festival, Sitges Film Festival, South by Southwest Film Festival, and London FrightFest Film Festival. It received a theatrical release in the UK on February 15, 2008 and currently, it is set to come out sometime during summer 2009 in the US.
Plot:
At a Texas High school Mandy Lane (Amber Heard) is a popular outsider. Dylan (Adam Powell) invites her to a party at his house and she accepts with the provision that her best friend Emmet (Michael Welch) can attend also. At the party Dylan and Emmet clash, and Emmet sits on the roof overlooking the pool watching Mandy. Dylan joins him and Emmet convinces him to jump from the roof to the pool to get Mandy’s attention. Dylan jumps but misses, hitting his head on the edge of the pool and dies.
5. The Time Traveler’s Wife (August 14th)
The Time Traveler’s Wife movie poster
The Time Traveler’s Wife is an upcoming 2009 film based on Audrey Niffenegger’s 2003 novel The Time Traveler’s Wife. The film is directed by Robert Schwentke and stars Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams.
Filming began in September 2007, originally in anticipation of a fall 2008 release. The film’s release was postponed with no official explanation from the studio, and is now targeted to open on August 14, 2009.
Plot:
This is the remarkable story of Henry DeTamble, a dashing, adventuresome librarian who travels involuntarily through time, and Clare Abshire, an artist whose life takes a natural sequential course. Henry and Clare’s passionate love affair endures across a sea of time and captures the two lovers in an impossibly romantic trap.
EDIT:
The story told is a test of love, and patience. It shows that love knows no boundaries and transcends time and death.
4. Jennifer’s Body (September 18th)
Jennifer’s Body is a 2009 dark comedy and horror film written by Diablo Cody. The film, described as similar in tone to Heathers,[2] will be directed by Karyn Kusama , and will star Megan Fox as the title character, Amanda Seyfried as her best friend Needy, and Adam Brody as the antagonist Nikolai.
Megan Fox was in negotiations to star as Jennifer, the perfect possessed cheerleader, since the film was announced in 2007, and was officially cast in October 2007.In February 2008, Amanda Seyfried was cast as Needy, the “plain Jane” best friend to Fox’s character.
Plot:
The film follows Jennifer (Megan Fox), a mean-girl cheerleader possessed by a demon who begins feeding off the boys in a Minnesota farming town. It is then up to her “plain Jane” best friend Needy (Amanda Seyfried) to kill Jennifer, escape from a correctional facility and go after lead singer Nikolai (Adam Brody) and his Satan-worshiping rock band responsible for the transformation.
3. The Ugly Truth (July 24th)
The Ugly Truth is an upcoming 2009 romantic comedy starring Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl.
The film was, for the most part, filmed in California, including Sacramento, Los Angeles, and San Pedro.
Plot:
The battle of the sexes heats up in Columbia Pictures’ comedy The Ugly Truth. Abby Richter (Katherine Heigl) is a romantically challenged morning show producer whose search for Mr. Perfect has left her hopelessly single.
She’s in for a rude awakening when her bosses team her with Mike Chadway (Gerard Butler), a hardcore TV personality who promises to spill the ugly truth on what makes men and women tick
2. Imagine That (June 12th)
Imagine That is a 2009 comedy-fantasy film starring Eddie Murphy and Thomas Haden Church and distributed by Paramount Pictures and Nickelodeon Movies.
A financial executive (Murphy) who can’t stop his career downspiral is invited into his daughter’s imaginary world, where solutions to his problems await.
Plot:
A formerly successful businessman (Eddie Murphy) watches as his own stock plummets, but his salvation may be found in his daughter’s imagination in this fantasy-fueled comedy.
Starring: Eddie Murphy, Thomas Haden Church, Nicole Ari Parker, Ronny Cox
1. My Sister’s Keeper (June 26th)
My Sister’s Keeper movie poster
My Sister’s Keeper is an upcoming film adaptation of the novel of the same name by Jodi Picoult starring Cameron Diaz and Alec Baldwin, with Nick Cassavetes directing. It will be released in both the US and the UK on June 26, 2009.[2] It will star Cameron Diaz as Sara and Alec Baldwin as Campbell.
Plot:
Conceived by means of in vitro fertilization, Anna Fitzgerald (Abigail Breslin) was brought into the world to be a genetic match for her older sister, Kate (Sofia Vassilieva), who suffers from acute promyelocytic leukemia. Their lives have been intertwined because of their donor-recipient relationship from the minute Anna was born. Anna suffers, such as losing the chance to go to a prestigious hockey camp in order to be there when her sister needs her, but when she turns 13 and Kate goes into renal failure, needing Anna’s kidney, Anna sues her parents for medical emancipation.
Attorney Campbell Alexander (Alec Baldwin), who has a guide dog he refuses to reveal the function of, agrees to work for Anna pro bono.
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2 Responses to “Top 10 Summer Movies Guaranteed to Bomb”
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As the first of what I’m sure will be many irate comments, I wish you had given your reasons for why you think all these movies will bomb.
You had me early with “Dance Flick”, a surefire turkey. But “Away We Go”? That’s a lot of star power there, both old and new. “The Time Treveller’s Wife” was one of the most well received books of the last decade. “My Sister’s Keeper”, with upcoming talent and a a hot director?
Not the best list.
My sisters keeper has recieved rave reviews and everyone I sell to (retailer) is asking for it. As poster above said. Should have listed reasons.
(Likewise the Ugly Truth is set to at least a warm reception) Others.. probally