Lamest Movie Vampires

With the much hyped premier of New Moon, the latest installation in the tween-tastic Twilight series (oh, I’m sorry, saga) , our old nightstalking vampire pals are front and center in the media again. It’s a long established Hollywood fact: Vampires are hot. Well, maybe not technically hot, since they’re dead and all, but they get the butts in the seats and make the hearts and minds of millions of people flutter like batwings. Mainly girls. Teenaged girls.  Historically, vampires are some of the greatest literary and film villains: dark, seductive, powerful, all the things a gal could want. But every now and then, some poor misguided chap, craving the powers of Wamphyr, tries to turn a perfectly good character into a raving bloodsucker,  but ends up just turning it into a suckfest instead. So, in honor of Team Edward, we present the lamest vampires on film.

Kraven- Underworld

There’s really nothing sadder than a guy that just can’t handle rejection. Unless that guy is a vampire.  The creators of this guy knew what they were doing when they named him Kraven. (craven definition:a poltroon; an abject coward; in other words, a complete weenie) Not only does Selene repeatedly and humiliatingly reject him, but he doesn’t even have the cajones fight his enemies while they’re awake. Someone really should have told him there’s no unrequited crush worth losing your mind over. Or head. Oh well.

Maxmillian- Vampire in Brooklyn

Let me tell you how I like to think this movie came to be:

Guy 1: Hey, got a great idea for a vampire movie. This guy, he’ll be the last vampire on earth, and he’s lookin for a woman to, ahem, further his bloodline.

Guy 2: Hmm, okay, but how do we make it stand out from all those other vampire movies?

Guy 1: Well, we put Eddie Murphy in it.

Guy 2: But he doesn’t seem very vampy.

Guy 1: I know, but after we put him in a jheri-curled mullet and a festive cravat, he’ll totally pull it off.

Guy 2: So, is it a comedy, or a horror movie?

Guy 1: Neither!

Guy 2: Awesome. Give him a crappy, unplaceable accent and I’m in.

Deacon Frost- Blade

Deacon Frost: Bad boy, young go-getter, vampire.  Played by Stephen Dorff in a role that seems to be the cliff his career fell off of, poor Deacon just can’t get any respect. He’s shunned by the old vampires because he wasn’t born a vampire, and  shows his displeasure at this fact by refusing to wash his hair or follow smoking ordinances. You can tell he’s a totally a rebel by his leather jacket.  Unlike your average whiny misunderstood youngster with a penchant for black on black outfits, though, he doesn’t waste his time writing sad poetry about how misunderstood he is. He decides he’s gonna take over the world and demand respect.  Or, he would have, if he didn’t have a bit of a chemical sensitivity to anti-coagulant drugs. Better luck next time, pal.

Larten Crepsley- The Vampire’s Assistant

When you picture a vampire, something pretty specific comes to mind. Tall, pale, hypnotic, possibly in a cape. You know what you don’t picture? This guy:

In fact, I’d be willing to say that John C. Reilly is about the exact opposite of what I think of when I think ‘vampire’. Which is not to say I don’t love him, but seriously, what were they thinking? And I’m sorry, but it’s a little creepy the way this guy wants to hang out with a 16 year old boy all the time. And not creepy in the right way.

Louis de Point du Lac- Interview with the Vampire

This guy. This friggin’ guy. He spends all his time as a mortal moping about his dead brother, and then wants to commit suicide, but he’s too prissy even get that right. So Lestat turns him, since they’re BFFs. He’s given all the powers of the vampire, which, when you think of it, aren’t that different from superpowers, aside from that whole blood and no sun thing. He should be grateful, but what does he do? He whines and cries about his lost humanity all the time. In fact, in the beginning, he’s such a pussy he won’t even eat people because they’re because he’s afraid of hurting their feelings or something, so he eats rats. And cries. A lot. Eff this guy.

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