9 Most BS Lessons Romantic Comedies Have Taught Us

It’s so easy to screw things up in a relationship. Like one second you’re making out with your girlfriend’s best friends, and the next your girlfriend is totally dumping you. What the hell?! Situations like this can be easily remedied, however, if we are to believe what some terrible romantic comedies have taught us. So if your pregnant fiance” just found you blowing a horse in the backyard, have no fear, there’s probably a way out.

1.JERRY MAGUIRE

So you got married because you thought the lady’s spastic son was a bundle of fun, and because you hate being alone, and she totally calls you out on being a righteous bastard and kicks you out? No problems hombre – just barge into her home and make a cheesy speech about business and fill it with a metric butt-ton of romantic cliches, and she will immediately accept you back into her life and completely forgive you for being a total d-bag. Helps if you have already brainwashed her into the Scientology “religion.”

2. DEFINITELY. MAYBE

If you’ve allowed years to go by, got married, and had a kid without ever actuallytelling your true love how you feel about her, just wait until you’re divorced, then give her the paperback copy of Jane Eyre she’s been looking for her whole life. She will be flattered that you remembered she said she liked it, although you could probably walk into a liberal arts college class reunion, throw a tiny pebble, and manage to hit six lame girls who totally love that book and the main character’s “free spirit.”

3.THE LAST KISS

Apparently if you cheat on your fiiance with a younger, hotter, unpregnant chick you can just sit on her porch and refuse to leave. Don’t worry, she won’t call the cops – she’ll feed you sandwiches and fall back in love with you. Although this might only work if you happen to be dating a girl crazy enough to fall in love with a weenus like Zach Braff.

4.HIGH FIDELITY

If your girlfriend dumps you because you’re a total loser who isn’t doing anything with his life. DJing a really big party will win her back, because DJ’s are always totally awesome people, not self-absorbed coke monsters, and girls are attracted to them like flies to turd sandwiches.

5.FAILURE TO LAUNCH

If you’re basically a prostitute who has been hired to get Matthew McConaughey to move out of his parents house and he finds out about it, just wait until his friends have tied him to a chair and then make a simple apology and confess your love. The ball is in your court, because he’s Matthew McConaughey and he’s so flippin’ high he has no idea what’s going on. Trust us. Totally works.

6.JUST ONE OF THE GUYS

There’s nothing quite like the sight of some amazingly perfect boobies to make you realize that if you’d said you liked that person five minutes ago you would have been totally gay. Magnificent chesticles also make it really easy to overlook the fact that you’ve been completely made-over into some crazy chick’s ideal man. Especially if you’re a 24-year old playing a high school senior.

7.THREE TO TANGO

Want to know the best way to a woman’s heart? Pretend to be gay and wedge yourself into her life so she totally falls in love with you. I know, you’re probably thinking that would never work, but listen, as long as you let her have a video montage of herself sitting alone next to some fountains, she’ll totally come around and forgive you and you guys will be together forever. Seriously. Fountain montage. That’s all it takes.

8.PRETTY IN PINK

f you were the biggest sleazebag ever to a girl and broke her heart and mined her prom, just walk up to her and tell her she’s a better person than you. and all will be forgiven. Why? Because chicks love to hear that they’re superior.

9.RETURN TO ME

Let’s say you have managed to fall in love with Minnie Driver. Yes. this in and of itself is highly implausible. After you’ve freaked out at her because it turns out she has been given your dead wife’s heart in an emergency transplant (also highly implausible) and run her off to Italy, there is an easy way to win her back. Just go to Italy and find her. This shouldn’t be too hard – the country only has a population of 60,000,000. Once you’ve found her (with little to no work), she will look at your face and instantly forget all the incredibly weird stuff that’s happened between you two, and you will live happily ever after.

Stories From Around The Web

Loading...